Our move interstate with two young children was more unsettling than we expected. The effects of uprooting a young family manifested themselves in unanticipated ways in our two-year-old. She stopped sleeping; stopped eating; even refused to take a bath. We were all suffering sleep deprivation and displacement, which didn't help either me at home with the children or my husband who was trying to get a handle on an important new role with a new company.

Finding and moving into a family home was the turning point. Unpacking all of our things and making a home made all the difference to the children, and in turn, to us. We were then able to set about making friends and creating a life in a new city. While we miss our friends and family and the support network they provided, we are trying to make the most of all the opportunities a move interstate can offer. We are, in the new millennium, becoming a far more mobile working society than ever before. Employees are being called on to move cities, either in a company transfer, or in search of a better position with a different company. Whether your stay in a new city is temporary or long-term, there are ways to make the transition a smooth one.

Agree on the move

Moving cities with a family in tow can either be a rewarding and bonding life experience, or a lonely and isolating one that puts untold strain on family relations. Which it will be depends very much on the reasons for the move in the first place.

"If it's a move that everybody wants, that helps enormously with the huge upheaval that moving brings," says Meredith Hodgson, South Australian CEO of Relationships Australia. "But if it's a move that's not been sought, and it's not viewed by the couple as an adventure, the stress on the family can be enormous. This is especially the case if one partner is keen to move and the other isn't, and if you're leaving behind your support and networks.

"It's important to talk about the move together as a couple and to be very open with each other about how you feel"

Sandra Gravlee, Managing Director and Owner of Australiawide Relocations, a one stop shop for relocating, has helped more than 25,000 families to settle into a new city over 20 years.

"Giving up family is the biggest problem faced by couples moving. Sometimes, the spouse whose job is moving them is all excited about the new position and doesn't realise the impact on the spouse of leaving family behind."

Sandra believes it takes at least six months to feel settled in a new location. It takes that long for the adults and the children in the family to find new friends and to become familiar with their new hometown.

Making a new home does take time and effort and doesn't happen overnight. Moving with children, however, can make the transition easier, as there is a wide choice of playgroups and activities where meeting other parents is possible. The Playgroup Association in your state will give you a list over the phone of playgroups in your new area.

Effects on children

While children are extremely resilient, they can have mixed reactions to moving. "Once kids settle in and find a couple of new friends they're usually off and running," says Sandra. "Teenagers are the most difficult to settle when it comes to moving. The older children are, the more established they are in friendships they are leaving behind."

Constance Jenkins from Parenting Australia agrees that the loss and grief you experience when you move is most intense in adolescence. "They are in the middle of a process of establishing an identity and roots. They have to break into new schools and new friendships, which is tough," she says.

When it comes to helping make a move as smooth as possible for your children the experts have a few suggestions. "Talk to the children about every aspect of the move," advises Meredith Hodgson. "Kids cope better if they're involved in the decision making process. Explain to them why the move is happening; what's the good side; and what will be tough. Keep the lines of communication open.

"Physically and emotionally, moving is a huge task. Everyone in the family, but especially children, will be very tired, which makes it hard to settle. Have familiar things around them. Have something about the move that's really special for the kids, such as a phonecard specially for them to use to keep in touch with friends."

Senior research fellow at the Centre for Adolescent Health, Elizabeth Gregg believes that frequent moves may have a detrimental effect on teenagers, but there are ways to counter this. With the peer group, the school, the community and the family the most important factors in a teenager's life, it's important to provide connectedness to all of these at the time of a move.

"Make the family home as welcoming as possible to new friends," she recommends. "Involve adolescents as much as possible in the move, including the choice of home and location, the choice of school, the choice of bedroom. Show them that their activities are valued. Find out what's available in the new community that meets their interests. At the school level, look for a school that has a formal induction process for new students. A buddy or peer program is also preferable."

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