Things between Andrea and Matt had been tense for a long time and there was almost no communication any more. Matt worked late, was moody and irritable with the kids and they hadn't slept together for months. Andrea asked him whether he was having an affair. “Don't be ridiculous” he snapped. That led to a major screaming argument. When Matt didn't come home at all one night after work drinks, Andrea decided that she couldn't put the family through this any longer: the fights and silences were very confusing and distressing for both her and the children. She and Matt agreed to split – he would move in with his brother for a while until they sorted out what would happen later.

Telling the children

Andrea and Matt had two children, Jeremy (12) and Nicola (8). They sat them both down, and explained that mum and dad were not going to live together any more. This was a very difficult thing for Andrea to do, but she knew that she had to be very clear in what she told the children. Matt didn't say much, but he told the kids that he loved them a great deal, and would always be their dad. Andrea and Matt did pretty well here: they both spoke to their children at the same time, and reassured them that they would not “lose” their parents. It is also important to tell children, particularly younger ones, that the separation is not their fault and that there is nothing they can do about it. Be truthful about what is happening and explain the changes to routines and arrangements. Encourage children to talk about their feelings and try not to leave too many things up in the air for long: children find unpredictability very difficult.

Adults coping with separation

At first both Andrea and Matt were in shock about their marriage breakdown. Despite things being bad for so long, it seemed to Andrea that the split had happened very quickly. Matt moved out and she was left feeling angry, sad, and confused. She worried about what would happen financially, she saw how upset her parents were and she and Matt still had trouble talking about what went wrong. She needed to talk to him, but couldn't stand to hear his familiar voice. Andrea tried to be in control of her emotions in front of the children, but she was finding it very hard to concentrate at work. At first she didn't tell anyone about the separation, as she felt embarrassed and thought that her work mates and bosses weren't interested in her personal problems. After a few days however, she needed to ask to leave early to pick up her daughter from school – she used to share school pick-ups with Matt, and now Nicola was refusing to go to after school care. She had become very clingy since the split up and slept in Andrea's bed most nights. Andrea was referred to a counsellor through the company's Employee Assistance Program, who was very sympathetic. While there wasn't too much the organisation could help her with, they suggested that she apply for a temporary reduction in hours, while arrangements were changing. Even if this was only for a week or two, it might allow Andrea to sort out practical things like after school care, and seek legal advice about financial matters. Just knowing that the opportunity for additional support was there, was a great relief to Andrea.

New arrangements

Despite feeling so angry with Matt, Andrea knew that the children needed to see him regularly. In fact, although they were no longer partners, she realised they were both still parents and were going to have to deal with each other for a long time to come. Matt wanted to see the kids during the week and at weekends, and was talking about shared parenting, something which scared Andrea, as she didn't believe he was responsible enough. Andrea had discovered that Matt had been seeing someone else after all, and she couldn't bear the thought that this other woman would spend time with her children. However, as Matt was still living with his brother, he couldn't take Jeremy and Nicola overnight, so the 50-50 idea was a long way off. To start with, Matt took the children to their sporting games on Saturdays and had them for dinner on Tuesday nights. Andrea had to try very hard not to quiz the children about who else they saw when they stayed with their dad, for she could see that they loved their time with him, particularly Jeremy, who had always been close to Matt. Unlike property settlements, contact arrangements are never permanently decided: they can change over time, and may need to be varied for children of different ages. If a parent's circumstances change, it may well impact on contact arrangements. While it is difficult, if parents try to be consistent and reliable, as well as flexible, contact can work. In addition, planning ahead and clear communication can help prevent problems arising. Both parties need to be committed to these goals for successful contact arrangements in the long term.

Children's reactions

Jeremy and Nicola responded very differently to their parents' separation. Jeremy didn't say much, and was embarrassed to tell his friends at school. While he idolised his dad, he was confused about why his father was seeing someone else. Jeremy was very loyal to Matt, but also blamed him for breaking up the family. On the other hand, Nicola was more able to talk about how she was feeling but secretly hoped that her mum and dad would get back together. She tried to keep Andrea happy if she looked sad, and needed a lot of reassurance about any changes to arrangements. Children will react differently according to their age and personality. A good relationship with at least one of their parents is a very important factor in a child's adjustment to family breakdown. How well their parents cope with the separation will also have an impact on the children's well-being, as is any significant differences in parenting between the parents: if one is very strict while the other is very permissive, there can be additional family problems. However, research clearly shows that that the level of conflict between the parents is the most important factor in how well children adjust to parental separation. High conflict between mum and dad, whether they are living together or separated, is very stressful for kids.

Other pointers to help the children: good goals to aim for

• Limit additional changes – keep up with friends, family and school
• Do not attack or denigrate the other parent in front of the children
• Remember that children are not counsellors for their parents' problems
• Do not use children as messengers between households – develop adult communication channels
• Give reassurance about the children having contact and a relationship with the other parent, and resist interrogations after visits
• Maintain normal parenting expectations – don't allow guilty feelings to change good parenting strategies