Different families have different issues to manage

Jan and Pete's situation

The first worrying sign came at the mid-year parent teacher interviews. Jan and Pete's younger son Ben, who was in year 9, seemed to have slipped behind in most of his subjects. The teachers felt he was not motivated to do his best, and his homework was late, done in a rush or not handed in at all. The maths teacher even suggested a tutor might be needed to help him catch up. Most nights, when Jan and Pete got in after work, Ben said he had done his homework already, and refused to let his parents look at it. Often he said he'd done it at school and didn't even bring his books home. By the time Jan and Pete got home, Ben was usually on the internet, chatting to friends, or just playing x-box.

Annabel's situation

Meanwhile, their neighbour, Annabel, had trouble getting her son Jamie, who was in year 8, to go straight home after school. She knew Jamie hung around the train station or went to the park with his mates after school. Sometimes he went to mates' houses, and despite Jamie's promises to go straight home, there was no way Annabel could enforce this – she didn't finish work until 5.30pm and rarely made it home before 6.30. Jamie was sure to be in by then, but who had he been hanging around with in the meantime? Without a dad around, it was an extra concern, but Annabel had no choice about working – it was a financial necessity – and as a single parent, with no family living nearby, there was no-one else to call on.

Supervision difficulties

Both these families are battling with the problem of supervising their teenagers from a distance. After primary school, working parents must make their own arrangements for after school supervision. While most kids are more than ready to leave after school care behind them, it is risky to assume they no longer need any adult monitoring. Knowing where they are and who they are with is particularly important for younger adolescents. At the same time, as they grow up, young people need to experience some independence and take responsibility for managing their own time. Working out a healthy balance between these two important parts of parenting can be a tricky business.

There are many distractions for a young adolescent with time on his hands. Some kids just don't like to go home to an empty house, preferring to seek out the company of others – of course, parents will worry about the quality of that company if they don't know those involved. Others are happy to go home, but don't get stuck into their homework, preferring the easy options provided by the telephone, television or computer. Good intentions can easily evaporate without the presence of mum or dad to set some limits.

Creative solutions

Jan and Pete's solution:

Jan and Pete had taken a large mortgage out on their house and had major financial commitments. They were worried Ben was throwing away his education, but neither one could just quit work to check on him each afternoon. Their approach to the situation was to sit down with Ben and tackle the following issues in a round table discussion: Whose problem was it? Was Ben worried about his poor effort and motivation? What were the main distractions and how to get around them without removing all technology from their household?

Ben came up with the idea of going to the local library after school to do his homework 3 nights a week. Pete would pick him up on his way home from work. On Thursdays Ben had footy training after school and Fridays was the beginning of the weekend! The family agreed to trial this for a month to see how it worked.

Annabel's solution:

Annabel had to find a different answer for her concerns. She was worried that Jamie was still easily influenced and would end up hanging around with the wrong group if things didn't change. She had a frank discussion with her boss and negotiated an earlier start time of 7.30am, plus a shorter lunch break, so that she could finish at 3.30pm. At the same time, she spoke to one of Jamie's friend's parents about giving him a lift to school each day. Annabel figured that it was better for her to be around in the afternoon, even though she didn't like rushing off so early in the morning.

Initially Jamie seemed resentful of the new arrangements, and having to go straight home after school – he had enjoyed his freedom. However, after a few weeks, their relationship improved and Jamie started to bring a few of his mates home sometimes, which helped Annabel get to know them. She also had time to cook better evening meals, which they both enjoyed.

Other possibilities

Parents have to consider their individual circumstances: family, financial and professional situations vary enormously. In addition, there are differing social supports available to families, as well as different personalities and behaviours of teenagers to take into account. Some other ideas for supervising young adolescents include:

• Ringing home at a designated time – a welcome home call, with a chat about the day. If there are concerns about youngsters not going home, it may be best to ring on the home phone, rather than the mobile!
• Organising regular time at the homes of grandparents or other family members, even if not an every day arrangement.
• Scheduling after-school activities can be a good way to occupy this time, so long as transport details can be worked out. Perhaps trading “bringing home” with “taking”, with other parents, is an option.
• Engaging a young “minder” to meet the kids or pick them up after school and maybe get a few household jobs done as well. Young teenagers might resent a babysitting figure, but will often relate well to older teenagers or university students.
• Altering work arrangements to allow increased time at home by one parent – perhaps a reduction of hours or change of shifts is possible.
• Arranging for your teenager to go home to a friend's house where you know that a parent is around.
• Encouraging your teenager to find a job. If they are interested and there are local opportunities, it can be a positive way to keep them occupied for some of the after school hours.

Whatever the specific arrangements are, it is important parents establish a clear understanding of communication with their teenage son or daughter if circumstances change. Kids should let their parents know where they are, and what they are doing, if it's not what was planned. Who to contact, and how, needs to be understood for everyone's peace of mind.