| |
 Playground politics is really an example
of our inherent need for a pecking order; and what we learn
from it helps us-for better or worse-to find our place
in the world. Our whole lives are geared to voting for
those who will best give us what we want: from choosing
who we want to hang out with in the playground; choosing
sides at basketball; to choosing a local MP, prime minister,
or president. But what do you do if your child seems to
be a born leader and set to become the next prime minister,
head of a fashion house, councillor? How do you ensure
your child is a good leader?
What's normal behaviour for child
leaders?
'Kids are very egocentric,'
says leading Canberra psychologist, Diana Roe. 'Everything
is very much geared to what they want, and that's how they
survive. So they very much look up to the kids who give
them what they want, i.e. the ones who are top dog in the
playground.'
The 'top dogs', she continues, are usually good at outdoor sport, not necessarily
scholastically inclined (kids who have learning problems can still be leaders)
and, most importantly, are assertive and full of 'ideas'.
Senior counsellor Sue Driscoll agrees. Leaders, she says, are those who show
initiative are articulate, can draw others along in an enthusiastic and positive
manner and coerce with the force of their ideas rather than with power in the
form of physical, verbal or blackmail threats.
Leader, bossyboots,
or bully?
A certain amount of crossing the line
into bossy or bullying behaviour is normal and can be corrected,
Sue says. What parents need to look for is consistency
of either good or bad behaviour. Look at the ideas your
child has: these should indicate charisma (leadership through
force of ideas) and not leadership based on fear.
Bossiness
It is normal for anyone to be
tempted by the power of leadership. Children like to get
what they want, and if they discover that, when they tell
others what to do and the others comply, they will naturally
continue to tell them what to do. But if a child is simply
bossy and without good ideas, the others will cease to
listen to them.
'There has to be a reason for kids to follow,' Diana says. 'If you have a child
who has good ideas, and suggests things others want to do, they can be quite
'bossy' and get away with it. But kids who are just bossy actually lose friends
quite quickly.'
Bullying
Leaders don't necessarily become bullies,
but they can if they enjoy the feeling of having power
over others. It's very easy to step over the line and go
from 'Let's go and do this' to 'You do what I want or else'.
This need for power indicates a problem.
- Bullies enjoy the feeling of power. If your child starts
to display a need for power, you need to do something
about it, e.g. if she says something like 'Jenny wouldn't
do as I said, so I told her she had to/made her do it.'
- Look at how your child interacts with his peers. Are
all parties interacting in a positive way?
- Look for physical and verbal threats, e.g. 'If you
don't do this then'
- Look out for lack of regard for what the other child
says, e.g. 'If you don't want to do this then go away/go
home/I don't want to play with you.'
How to ask questions
without interrogating your child
Always take your time and ask open questions
about your child's day. Be calm and accepting and listen
to what your child has to say. Don't show you're upset
as they may close up. Open-ended questions include:
- 'Who did you play with at lunchtime and what did you
do?'
- 'Tell me what's happening in your group.'
What to do if they're crossing
the line
Suggest alternative ways for your child
to interact with others. For example, if it sounds as if
they've used threatening behaviour, ask:
- 'What else could you have done?' or
'How else could you have solved that problem? Maybe you could have come up
with some different ideas; maybe Jenny didn't want to play that game, or
maybe you could have looked for someone else to play with.'
- Talk about how others might
feel if they're hit. Suggest your child listen
to what other kids say and not just assume
their own ideas are the best. Ask 'How would Jenny
feel if you say "that's not a good idea, I don't want
to do that"?'
- Model appropriate behaviour.
You are the most powerful role model for
your children: you can provide the strongest example
of best practice. Model democratic behaviour by treating
them democratically; listen to what they have to say;
don't say 'do as I say or else'. It does not mean you
will not still be the 'leader', but shows respect for
them as human beings. Get hold of a copy of Desiderata
and highlight sections, particularly 'Listen
to others … for always,
there will be greater and lesser persons than
yourself.'
- Talk to your child's teacher.
Approaching the teacher
If you are anxious about your child, do
not communicate regularly with the school, and work for
an employer it can be difficult to initiate a telephone
conversation. Often a note is best. Either way, the initial
contact need only be very brief:
- Ring the teacher and make an appointment at a time
that suits you both. Say something like 'I really would
like to talk about something which is worrying me I wondered
if this was a problem at school,' or ' I really wouldn't
mind talking about how Brendan reacted in the playground.
Could you please let me know/send me a note home if there's
a problem.' It can be a short as that.
- Write a brief note if you are more comfortable with
this, particularly if you are feeling emotionally stressed
and have to call from work. It's difficult to concentrate
at work when you're worrying about what to say to your
child's teacher.
- Put it gently: don't blame anyone.
- Teachers are very receptive and appreciative of efforts
to establish a partnership. The more you can do it in
the spirit of 'I'm worried, can you help me' the more
likely you are to have a positive relationship with the
teacher.
- Keep it low key.
- Don't blame or attack the teacher. Don't say 'Jack
says such and such happened in the classroom.' Say something
like, 'I've just noticed a couple of things in terms
of Jack's behaviour and wondered if you'd noticed anything,'
or 'I'm just noticing a few things that might be an issue
around how he plays with his friends,' or 'Jack seems
to be getting physical,' or 'seems to be dominating and
not listening to his friends' ideas have you noticed
anything?' or 'How is my child interacting? Do you see
him as a leader or is he simply bossy?'
Ongoing communication.
Frequent communication is far preferable
to waiting for something to go wrong. It is easier and
more beneficial in long run to make frequent, brief calls
to the teacher or school.
- Write notes asking for feedback.
- Don't just wait for parent/teacher night. As soon as
you have any concern about your child you should contact
the teacher. The earlier you pick up any problem, the
easier it is to change direction. Even if there is nothing
wrong it's reassuring to get positive feedback.
What if the teacher won't/can't
help?
Sometimes, despite your best efforts,
a teacher may be difficult or unhelpful.
- If you feel you're up against a brick wall, go to the
school counsellor. It is often easier for a counsellor
to approach the teacher on a parent's behalf. Most schools
have a school counsellor available most of the time,
but if you can't get hold of one and want to speak to
someone immediately, go to the senior teacher in charge
of your child's area. Again, don't be negative about
the teacher; say 'I've tried talking to the teacher but
I'm still concerned-could you check it out please.'
- Don't go immediately to the top. This can create resentment
with your child's teacher and, if your child knows about
it, makes your child think that 'the teacher doesn't
count/is really a nobody' and counteracts any role modelling
of good leadership and respect for others.
What's happening in schools.
Some programs currently in use in schools
have revolutionised playground interactions, says Sue.
One of these is the Peacekeepers Program, where children
with leadership tendencies can become mediators in the
playground. This, along with other lunchtime activities,
provides great opportunities for such children to develop
their talents and steer away from any attachment to power
they might otherwise develop.
Ask your child's teacher about the program at your school, or contact Sue Driscoll
on (02) 6205 8305.
|
