Most of us have experienced times in our lives when our priorities collide: when work and family place demands on us simultaneously. At these times are we under great pressure and often experience high levels of anxiety. We sometimes have to make choices, and manage challenging situations on the home front, while maintaining things at work. Keeping in mind a few simple principles can help get through such stressful times.

An acute crisis

Jan had found it difficult to return to work at first, and felt uncomfortable about leaving her younger daughter, Lily, in child care, while her older daughter Katrina, was in grade 1 at the local primary school. However, her friends had reassured her that this was a normal feeling, and that it would soon pass. After a few months, Jan had indeed found the new family routines worked pretty well, and things went along fine. She had taken an international sales job at a large wine company and was enjoying the challenge of the position. Life was busy, but she was enjoying both family and work

It seemed an ordinary day, when Jan took a call at her desk mid-afternoon. It was from the director of Lily's child care centre. Instantly, Jan's heart started racing: they never called her at work unless there was something wrong, and Lily had seemed in perfect health this morning. “Jan, there's been an accident at the centre this morning, and Lily's been hurt. We have called an ambulance and we would like you to come straight away.” Jan felt sick and panicky, but forced herself to take some deep breaths and find out some more information. She even made a few notes on her note pad, mostly out of habit, but it helped her listen and take in the information.

Apparently, a new child to the centre had pushed Lily in the way of some playground equipment being installed. Staff had not anticipated his behaviour, and Lily had been knocked in the head. She was unconscious for a short time, and they needed to get her some medical assessment. It was most likely that all would be fine, but Lily was pretty distressed and wanted her mum.

Before Jan left she needed to make arrangements: first, for her husband to be informed, then for someone to pick up her daughter from school. She needed to find someone to run the afternoon briefing – or cancel attendees. Jan had to ask someone to help her do these things – it was important to get going as soon as possible. She gave her notes and phone contacts to another of the sales team, took a few more deep breaths and headed off.

Key strategies

• Keep calm – to help you take in information and determine what needs to be done

• Find out the facts – record important details and stick to what is known, not what might be

  Safety as first priority – of everyone involved

• Communicate – with those who need to assist you or cover you at work/home

• Enlist help if you need it – don't be afraid to ask, people will be pleased to do what they can

An on-going crisis

Rohan held a senior management position with a telecommunications company. It was a high pressure job, well-paid, but with long hours and a responsibility for all financial staff. Rohan and his wife Jenny had three sons, aged 16, 13 and 10.

Their eldest son Brad had just changed schools; he hated going to school really, but that was the least of their problems with him. Brad had gone from being just rude and uncooperative a couple of years ago, to being frequently aggressive and violent. He got into abusive arguments with his mother and then it got physical when Rohan stepped in. Several times a week, Jenny called Rohan at work in a state. They had called the police once, but Rohan didn't want to do that again, it had made him feel like a complete failure as a father. They had tried family counselling, but Brad thought it was a waste of time and wouldn't talk. Family life seemed like a living hell, with the younger boys often scared, and Jenny blaming Rohan for being at work such long hours.

Rohan realised he wasn't coping very well: he was often distracted at work and dreaded phone calls. He confided in his closest friend about what was going on at home, which was an enormous relief. He and Jenny also consulted a psychologist together, to give them some strategies for coping with the explosive situations at home. These included what to do if Jenny and the younger boys felt scared, as well as specifying consequences for Brad's outbursts. Both Rohan and Jenny realised that things were not going to get better overnight, but they set their first goal as not escalating conflict when it blew up. After that it would tackling Brad's verbal abuse of the family, then encouraging him find a part-time job for an outlet outside the family.

Rohan spoke to his boss, not in much detail, but let him know that Brad had some serious problems which he had to support Jenny with. Rohan had decided that for a period of time, he would have to make it a priority to get home a fair bit earlier than the 8 o'clock time which had become the usual routine. If that was a problem for the company, then so be it. Safety was sometimes an issue, and Rohan just had to put the safety of his family first.

Useful strategies

• Additional supports – personal, professional and psychological supports can all be important for coping with an on-going crisis

• Contingency plans – work out what to do and who to contact if you need back-up; it is reassuring to know what you will do in advance

• Inform superiors – particularly if your performance at work might be affected, or you have to reduce your hours

• Realistic goals – small steps are sometimes the best we can do, until other factors change

• Priorities – know what your “bottom line” is: what comes first, work or family