“What is ecstasy, mummy?” asked Jake one night after dinner. Jake's mother, Fiona, didn't know how to respond. Jake was 7 years old and Fiona wasn't sure what she should say or how much Jake would understand.

Carl was also stumped when his daughter Rosie announced at dinner that alcohol was a drug and that he shouldn't drink. Rosie was in year 5 at school, and was a very “moral” girl with a strong sense of what was right and wrong. She took everything taught at school very seriously. Currently, her class was looking at different types of drugs, and while Carl was pleased to know Rosie was learning about the harmful effects of smoking, it was confronting for him to justify his wine-with-dinner habit.

Jake's question was prompted by hearing about ecstasy on the news. While Fiona tried to limit Jake's exposure to news items about violence and war, she couldn't protect him from hearing everything. She told him that ecstasy was a drug, but one that could hurt the people who took it. When Jake looked confused, she decided to explain it to him in terms of good drugs and bad drugs: ones that make us better when we are sick and ones that can make us sick if we try them.

Carl, on the other hand, talked with Rosie about legal and illegal drugs, which ones were unhealthy and the idea that some drugs could be used in a healthy way, with certain safeguards and limitations. Rosie then asked Carl if he had ever tried an illegal drug: Carl wasn't sure what would be the best response. He had tried one or two things when at university, but had very negative experiences and regretted not sticking to his principles at the time.

Be informed

Children are naturally inquisitive and there is no doubt that they will hear about different drugs – and from many different sources. Media, schools and friends are all sources of information and attitudes about drugs in society. Parents need to make sure that they are part of this learning process also and will have to be reasonably well-informed to be able to join in. Generally, children aged 5-12 are non-users of drugs, and are willing to listen to their parents' advice and beliefs, particularly if it is connected to what they see and hear about.

Use school programs as opportunities to talk about drugs with your children, but try to avoid lecturing them only about the dangers. Be curious as to your children's thoughts and questions about different drugs and the reason that people might use them. It is important to make the point that some people use drugs to help them cope with difficult situations or feelings, and that it is much better in life to listen to our feelings and find other ways to understand them. But remember, drug education is more than preventing marijuana and heroin use. It is about paracetamol, nicotine and alcohol too.

Attitudes for managing drugs responsibly: parents model behaviour

Be aware that what you do is more powerful than what you say. Avoid the message for younger children that a pill is the easiest solution to cope with headaches, tension and even diets. Use nonmedical options whenever possible, with medication as the last resort. If you drink to excess when socialising, it will not be a surprise that your kids will also, when they are teenagers and older. If you smoke when stressed, it is more likely your children will get the message that you need a drug to cope with pressure.

Teaching assertiveness

Part of effective drug education is teaching children how to say “no”. This might be to a direct offer to try drugs from someone they don't know, or it might be to a suggestion from their friends to join in what they are doing. Sometimes the pressure from friends can be very powerful, and it is not always stated in an obvious way: if all your mates are drinking at a park, it is hard to not go along with it, even if no-one is actually cajoling you into it.

Talking with children about how they could handle different situations can prepare them beforehand. Practice what they would say if they were uncomfortable trying something or participating in an activity if they don't think it is good for them. The important thing to teach kids about assertiveness is to make decisions that are good for them , and then work out a couple of ways they can put this into practice if they need to.

This is how Mark discussed saying no with his 12 year old son James:

Mark: “James, are any of your friends trying cigarettes?”

James: “Some of the other kids maybe, but not my friends.”

Mark: “What would do if say, Jack's older brother offered you a cigarette? I have seen him smoking at the station sometimes.”

James: “I don't know, say no I guess.”

Mark: “Yeah, I hope so. You could say straight out no, or you could say you don't smoke, or that you don't feel like it. Any of those would work I think. ”

James: “I think smoking is stupid – it would be bad for my footy training.”

Mark: “Absolutely. You could say that too. What have you learnt about it at school so far?”

Other suggestions for handling situations in which children feel the pressure to join in might include saying they have something else to do, for example, “I am going to get something to eat”. In some cases children might need to consider avoiding the situation or avoiding certain groups of people altogether.

Different focus at different ages

For younger children, up to about grade 3, focus discussions on healthy bodies, and talk about good and bad drugs. It is important to introduce the idea of saying no to things they don't want to do, and this does not apply to drugs alone: it is part of general safety programs and choosing the “right” thing to do, even if their friends are not doing it.

For children in middle to upper primary, parents need to be informed and focus more on sharing information, connecting this to what is being taught in schools. Dealing with peer pressure, again in relation to issues other than experimenting with drugs, is vital as children are rapidly approaching adolescence, when they are usually more concerned about what their friends think of them, that what their parents might say.

It's OK to talk about drugs

All this sets the scene for having family discussions about drugs – both legal and illegal. Don't expect your teenagers to suddenly be open to talking about what they think about drugs if you have not established this as a normal part of family dialogue beforehand. Adolescents often become more secretive, especially if their friends are experimenting with cigarettes, alcohol or illicit substances. Being able to talk about this issue comfortably during the pre-adolescent years will help communication later on.

Further information

The Australian Drug Foundation offers useful information and advice for parents on its website: www.adf.org.au