Emotions are an integral part of life, and no one can avoid experiencing some difficult feelings at various times. Of course, these are balanced with positive feelings: happiness, pride, satisfaction, excitement, to name a few. As children grow up, it is vital that they learn to understand what it is that they are feeling and a language to express their experiences. If they are also taught some strategies to manage their emotions, they will be well on the way to having some good life skills, which will help them in so many situations, at home, with friends and later on, in the workplace.

Step 1: Recognising feelings

What is it? Knowing how to recognise different emotional states both in ourselves, and in others is the starting place. Being given permission to say how you are feeling is also necessary if children are going to become emotionally intelligent adults. A vocabulary of language to describe different feelings, together with explanations of bodily sensations, helps children mediate their emotions and develop empathy for how others feel too. Empathy is the foundation of a compassionate society, and is a quality that prevents many social problems, such as bullying, from occurring.

Parents should teach children that nerves are often felt in the tummy, that a racing heart or sweaty palms are common, and are normal signs of anxiety. Teach them that for both boys and girls, it is OK to say they are feeling sad or lonely, and to use verbal skills to ask for what they want when feeling frustrated. At the same time, children can relate different facial expressions and body language to key emotional states: angry, bored, sad, excited, worried, proud, and so on. Again, the underlying message is that feelings are a normal part of life. Acknowledging them is the first step in learning to understand, and then effectively manage our reactions.

Step 2: Where do feelings come from?

Now for the part perhaps some adults may not understand: the role of thoughts and beliefs in the creation of feelings. Here are some examples:

What we can teach children is that the ideas are connected to their feelings, and that we can moderate strong feelings by changing the thoughts that are connected to them. This is dome by replacing “unhelpful” thoughts with “helpful” ones. Look at the suggestions below:

It is not easy for children, or even adults, to be aware of the thinking that underlies their emotional reactions. However, with practice, we can all identify the key ideas which are leading to strong feelings. Then, develop alternative ideas to use in the situations which arise. This is called “self-talk” and it is widely used in psychology today.

Children and adolescents can understand the difference between helpful and unhelpful thoughts, and with guidance, can develop some clear, rational and positive statements to use when they are feeling under stress.

Step 3: Other strategies

Of course, there are situations which are not going be dealt simply by having healthy self-talk, so children need some other strategies to use as well.

Keeping calm: One important strategy to teach children is the ability to calm themselves down, no matter whether they may be experiencing anxiety, frustration or hurt. The best and simplest method of doing this is to calm and slow their breathing down. Taking a few deep breaths can reduce physical symptoms such as a racing heart or sobs. It can even help lower frustration levels sufficiently to prevent a major explosion!

Problem-solving: What can they do now? Try to teach your children some “coping” alternatives. Here are a few possibilities:

Case study: Will

Will is 11 years old, and the only child of Mark and Maria. He has always been a sensitive boy, and found separating from Maria to start school traumatic. Will loved the quiet space of home, and enjoyed having his mother's undivided attention! Will is also a funny boy, with a quirky sense of humour, who is good at school and has developed a nice little group of friends.

But Will is a worrier, and his parents get frustrated with him, as they thought he should have grown out of it by now. Will gets anxious at the beginning of a new year, makes a fuss about going to school camps, stresses about tests and doing talks in front of the class. Finally, his parents thought a few sessions with the school's counsellor might save them from another morning drama.

With the counsellor, Will was able to see that each of the situations had one feeling in common: worry! He then identified how the anxious feelings manifested: for him it took the form of butterflies in the tummy, sometimes to the point of making him feel nauseous. Next, Will worked out which thoughts or ideas he kept repeating when he felt nervous:

“What if someone is mean to me at school?”

“What if no-one plays with me?”

“I might make a mistake and people will laugh at me”

“I might not do well on the test and then I will not be smart”

“I might miss my parents when I am away on camp”